Acceptance Speech

Then we kissed. Lips, tongue, saliva and all.

I reveled in the moment, then let go of the presenter and moved closer to the microphone. "Ah, thank you all, thank you! I never thought I would win. Really!. Thanks to all of the other entries that were not as funny as mine. I am truly humbled - and oh let me not forget I would also like to thank all the little people."

You may be asking - "What baloney? You won something? Impossible!" to which my reply is "Yes, I did win something, but the description above is just a fabric of my imagination :)". Yes, I would have loved to have a stage and an audience and a podium for my acceptance stage, but for this time I had to do with a winner email.

What did I win? How did I win it? You will find all the answers here -

http://www.crunchgear.com/2010/04/19/celebrate-ooma-purevoice-with-a-free-ooma-telo-handset-and-1-year-of-service/comment-page-3/#comments

Finally my wife agreed that being a pervert (or at least having perverted thoughts) pays - and you get paid in voip phone sets and minutes. Well, may be my love of voluptuous women helped too (you have to agree that Salma Hayek is as good as they come; and no, agreeing doesn't make you a pervert!)

And about calling Salma - I am working on first steps - losing about 100 lbs to look like I am starved. Without a global famine and drought, I don't see that happening. Meanwhile, I will appreciate tips on setting up a Voip phone.

See you next awards season!

Image courtesy : www.theonering.net/scrapbook/view/6856

My annoyance list for the year end

Its not surprising that when the year is winding down to a close, you spot lists at all possible places - best people, worst people, best cars, worst news stories - you get the point. I think the reason they are popular is because its an articulate way of asking "Do you remember this time when..?" and we go - "oooooh yeah I remember!"

To avoid falling off the bandwagon, I thought I would compile a list of my own - no , they are not best or worsts, but just annoyances that one has to deal with while treading the natural terrains of life. And they are year, age and gender agnostic. So here goes...

• Friends calling up asking for a recommendation and then turning the tables on you. The story begins when they call up asking your recommendation on something they want to buy (like a DVD player, TV or something similar). So you start with what you own and why you bought it and then go on to explain why you like it. That is when they turn all "Simon" on you. Barrage of questions follow - "Did you know it had this fault?", "On the product web page, I read so many bad reviews - Did you read those"?, "How come you paid so much for that? I did some research and found out that you can get it for much less". My mental response - "Well buddy, some of us just want to get the stuff we want instead of wasting time ridiculing your friends about their choices.". My actual response - "Yeah I guess I did not do enough research, looks like you are an expert on this" and ending the conversation to the sound of their victory smirk.
• Grownups who mimic baby talk when talking to babies. Imagine this - You had a bad fall and broke a leg. After physiotherapy, you are slowly trying to walk in a normal fashion - and everyone in your house limps and imitates your walk thinking they can communicate better. Yeah - that.would.be.TERRIBLE. I am no pediatrician or child expert, but I think what is going on in the baby's mind is this - "Come on, can you give me a break here? I get it, my speech is not as perfect as yours, but you don't have to make those funny lip movements and tongue twists to talk to me- Maybe you haven't noticed, my ears are just fine!"
• Car owners who register their cars as "my {Insert premium car name here}". OK, so you had the guts or the money to get a brand name car. But that doesn't make the rest of us any less owners of our cars. I imagine you don't have a big "My House" in front of your house or your spouse does not have "My spouse" tattooed on her forehead - so why make an exception for the car?
• Folks who act surprised when you get a new piece of information. "Oh you did not know that?", they say, with their eyebrows up to their hairline. "It's been that way since way back when.." and the surprise morphs into contempt and sympathy for your lack of upkeep in worldly events. Where is the empathy for the busy lives of others? If I could express my opinion (well, I will - last time I checked, this was still MY Blog - refer previous bullet point :-)), let me say this - "Look, I don't know what kind of purposeless life you live, but, I have to pay attention to my job, life and family, so a little delay in getting irrelevant information can't hurt me that much."
• White bath appliances. Who ever came up with the idea? Every little dust particle, every speck of calcium eventually translates into hours of cleaning to be done by us mere mortals. Plus, if it were a darker color, I could see all the gray hair falling off instead of worrying about hair loss. At this age, I am sure small reassurances like that could calm me down a bit now and then.
  
• God complex owners who use their middle finger on every occasion. Just because it is attached to your body and you can lift it up without added effort, does not make the gesture more socially acceptable. (Guys, get the analogy I am trying to make here?) Of course, we could retaliate by mirroring it, but that would defeat the purpose - like waging a war to achieve peace.
• Finally, blog posts like these that spew anger and annoyance. I see them propping up more and more on the web nowadays - as more surfers venture into the ocean of blogs and the Internet. There is so much love to pass around in the world, why would you want to crib about things that cause displeasure just to you? Ain't that pigeonholing?

Joy and Peace to the World!

Suggested replies for questions asked to a Desi!

Some suggestions from me on tackling questions usually asked to a Desi. They are original, so I take responsibility for any(or all) of them not being funny!

Oh, you are from India; Do you speak Indian?
Yes, I am speaking it right now. Its just the same as "american" but with a little accent sprinkled on it for flavor. You know how we Indians don't like anything that lacks flavor.
Why do Indians and Pakistanis hate each other so much?
It's simple really; it is a part of our budget friendly immigration policy. That way, we don't have to spend money on big walls to keep out illegal immigrants.
I can never understand the concept of an arranged marriage; Can you explain it to me?
Sure; its not so hard. You know how you guys find your "soul mate" and then get the assistance of a wedding planner to arrange everything else? Arranged marriage just works the other way. Our parents arrange our "soul mate" and the we arrange everything else for the wedding. Trust me, my parents have a bigger network than matchmaker.com and eharmony.com combined!
Are you dark skinned because you are from south India?
No. Every time a person who is ignorant about world culture asks me a question, my skin becomes a shade darker.
What is the status of your green card? How far along is it?
Since you seem to be so concerned, here's the URL to the INS status page.<>. Please let me know when my green card is in the mail; thanks.
Why do Hindus have so many gods?Well, as you know India is a socialist country. We believe in equal distribution of workload. I think just asking one or two gods to take care of prayers from millions of people is overkill.
Isn't eating with hands unhygienic?
No, because I know all the places my hands have been through; the forks and spoons - not so much. Havent you seen those shows that feature hidden cameras in restaurants? yuck!
How come you have such a long name?
Perhaps my parents worked harder to come up with a name that is meaningful and uncommon than simply settling for "Bob".

(Dear reader- Add your questions and answers in the comments and I will add it in the list.)