Acceptance Speech

Then we kissed. Lips, tongue, saliva and all.

I reveled in the moment, then let go of the presenter and moved closer to the microphone. "Ah, thank you all, thank you! I never thought I would win. Really!. Thanks to all of the other entries that were not as funny as mine. I am truly humbled - and oh let me not forget I would also like to thank all the little people."

You may be asking - "What baloney? You won something? Impossible!" to which my reply is "Yes, I did win something, but the description above is just a fabric of my imagination :)". Yes, I would have loved to have a stage and an audience and a podium for my acceptance stage, but for this time I had to do with a winner email.

What did I win? How did I win it? You will find all the answers here -

http://www.crunchgear.com/2010/04/19/celebrate-ooma-purevoice-with-a-free-ooma-telo-handset-and-1-year-of-service/comment-page-3/#comments

Finally my wife agreed that being a pervert (or at least having perverted thoughts) pays - and you get paid in voip phone sets and minutes. Well, may be my love of voluptuous women helped too (you have to agree that Salma Hayek is as good as they come; and no, agreeing doesn't make you a pervert!)

And about calling Salma - I am working on first steps - losing about 100 lbs to look like I am starved. Without a global famine and drought, I don't see that happening. Meanwhile, I will appreciate tips on setting up a Voip phone.

See you next awards season!

Image courtesy : www.theonering.net/scrapbook/view/6856

Pause. Reflect. Play.

She quietly opened the door so the noise would not waker her parents and brothers. She then put down her heavy backpack on the living room floor and  tiptoed her way into the sink. She washed her face to remove all the dirt and black stuff that had found its way from the factory floor. It was after a cold shower that she realized she was starving. She never had enough time to eat properly at work. Her parents could not afford to get enough to feed all their kids, so she always ended up with leftovers. After getting her hands on what little food she could get, she sat down and gently massaged her feet which was aching from all that walking at the assembly line. After a while, as she slowly slipped into her bed, she thought to herself - "My manager did seem impressed with my ideas to improve productivity. Hopefully that promotion should come through". She fell asleep knowing that the prospects of her ambition - becoming the VP of her company - were getting better each day.
-=-=-=-=-
Quietly, she opened the door to the kitchen from the garage and cursed as it made a loud squeaking noise. She hoped that the sound had not  woken up her husband and kids. She put down her heavy briefcase on the granite kitchen counter top and tip toed her way to the sink. She quickly washed off all the heavy makeup that seemed to suffocate her pores all day. She was never a fan of too much makeup, but in her corporate world of meetings and high profile clients, she always had to present her best face forward. It was then that hunger pangs struck her, and she proceeded to see what was left over in the fridge. There was plenty of food in the fridge, but her diet only allowed her to snack on the leftover salad. After a short while, she found herself  immersed in her high-end spa, gently massaging her feet to relieve them from the constant harassment they received from her high heeled shoes. She then sipped her favorite red wine and thought to herself - "The board of directors seemed pleased with my plan of growing exponentially through acquisitions - maybe my ambition of becoming CEO is not that far away. After all, there's only a couple of steps from VP to CEO."
-=-=-=-=-

OK, so I am not much of a storyteller, but more often than not in life, the begin and end points of our ambition feels the same - it is the journey to achieve it that gives the kicks. So when you are fast forwarding through life and everything feels automated and mechanical, press pause, take a deep breath, reflect on what you have achieved, enjoy it to the fullest and then proceed to play the rest. Just sayin'.

Image Courtesy : http://trcs.wikispaces.com/Analysis+of+Poems?f=print

Deathwish

"OK, OK, I admit! I do not take life seriously enough. You happy now?" As I slammed the door behind me and walked towards my motorcycle, I murmured - "I wish I wouldn't have to come back to this place again".

I had thought life would be a breeze now that I had finished college and landed a decent programmer job. The money from one job was not enough to fulfill my materialistic splurges, so I was working 3 jobs; on 10 to 5,  6 to 10(pm) and  11 - 2(am!)  time slots. The third job was for a friend, so working and partying went hand in hand. The only glitch in my otherwise smooth rolling life? I was living with mom. I was away from home since high school - for 7 years - until I found a job in my hometown and of course, the oasis of home made food and all chores being taken care of lured me in to stay.

And then, on a perfectly normal Sunday,  a call from my manager interrupted the verbal warfare between me and my mom. You see, Sundays were special since I would be home and it would make a perfect occasion for mom to make me realize how goal-less I have been throughout my life and that I needed to man up to take up big responsibilities. Anyway, my manager wanted me to get to the office to resolve a bug in the software we were supposed to deliver the next day. "See, everyone is just taking advantage of you!, why should you be working on a  Sunday. You just don't realize the seriousness of it."  I could see that  my mom's verbal floodgates were opening - so I grabbed the keys to my motorcycle, shouted those words, slammed the door and left.

The motorcycle's throttle saw all the rage in me. I was zipping past intersections and traffic (which was very light on that Sunday). Helmets were not enforced those days, so I did not bother to wear one. The wind string on my face calmed me down a little bit. At the end of an overpass, I came up behind an ambassador car. I wanted to overtake it, but I could see that the driver was deciding whether to take an illegal turn or not. After a moment or two, he decided (or it seemed to me) to call it off. So, I gave a strong twist to the throttle, bend down with my chest close to the fuel tank to apply aerodynamics, and proceeded to go around the car.

OK, now freeze frame. Pan camera and lift up to a slight aerial shot. Start slow motion.

In a split second, the driver decided to take the turn anyway. It was too late for me to slam on the brakes. My motorcycle hit the car head on as I was screaming at the driver of the car. The impact was huge. I was thrown out of my motorcycle into the air and I flew above the car. The motorcycle having the advantage of being heavy, fell and slid under the car. As I wandered my gaze, I quickly realized I was headed for landing amidst numerous sign posts (all made of iron!). I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the inevitable. I think I even squeezed out a couple of swear words in between.

Stop slow motion. Zoom out of dust rising from the road. Zoom in to show car driver's shell shocked face. Stop narrative.

No, your whole life does not flash in front of you as they show in the movies. It all happened so freaking fast. Like a miracle, I landed right in the area that lay in middle of all the signposts. I landed on my back and therefore the lack of a helmet did not affect me much. I was bleeding profusely, but in the end, it turned out I did not have any broken bones or any serious injuries.

I guess that was the teaser trailer to my desire to have things change drastically.

So the next time you wish for things to change drastically from status quo, think twice. All it takes is a wrong turn for it to come true. That too, from a total stranger.

Photo Courtesy - http://www.electrical-res.com/motorcycle-accident-attorneys/

Is your heart a Lake or a Marsh?

It was the summer of a year that marked the beginning of this millennium. I locked up my apartment in a hurry and walked down the stairs. My heart was getting heavier with each step I took downstairs. As I walked around the block to my friend's apartment, the phone call I received from him a couple of minutes earlier was still ringing in my head.

"I got a phone call from India," he said in that call. "My Dad passed away". As he went on with more details, my brain was already processing fond memories of his dad  - a very funny, intelligent and compassionate man who also happened to be a doctor. The news sank into my heart instantly - bringing out emotions that I never thought I had in the first place. With each passing minute, the news was digging deep into me; generating a whole bunch of questions - how could this happen? How would it impact my friend, his sister and mom? Had they already found out about this? How did they react?

I lost my father at a very young age, so I knew how the loss of a father figure could affect a person's mentality. It is not just the loss of a person - it is the loss of a friend, a support system and most importantly, a brutally honest critic. All of this cocoons into something that makes you want to be a better person all your life.

As I entered my friend's apartment and hugged him, I completely lost it. I was in tears and and held him tight, looking to console him out of his sorrow(as if that was possible). He then patted on my back and said, "It's ok, It's ok". It was then I realized something - the news had not struck him yet; he was still in no man's land, coming to terms with what had happened. There were no tears, just a blank look which, to an outsider,  would give an impression that he had everything under control. But I had known my friend for sometime now and I knew that there was a void that was created which could only be filled in by accepting the dreadful fact of his loss.

After making arrangements for his trip to India, some of my other friends and I saw him off at the airport that night. This was before 9/11, so we could go all the way up to the gate. We rehashed some memories of  the man, there were complaints about the long flight and a few laughs out of my friend. I thought to myself - "Ok, he still has not grappled with the news yet, but maybe the 18 hours of flight will do it".

It has been 10 years since then, and I have to say that not only did the news sink in for him, but it has been with them since then. I get a sense of it from the conversations that I have with him, the blog posts that he writes and the off hand impromptu remark that comes out of him.

Which brings me back to the post's title (it's about time) - when it comes to your heart is it a lake or a marsh? When news comes your way in the shape of a black stone, what does your heart morph into? A lake in which the stone sinks fast, but can be easily taken out by undercurrents? or a marsh where in the stone sinks slowly, making marks along its way and hard to move around? Or a mix of both?

Let us hope that whatever shape our hearts take, it never gets a bad news stone thrown at it. I know life is not full of happiness, so if something has to be thrown at it, may it be pebbles - that skip until it crosses the lake, and are so light that they could never sink into the marsh.


Image courtesy :www.myspaceantics.com

Hail to the curves!

If you enjoy driving, would you have more fun driving a road with curves or a straight road? I thought so too.Yeah, as said before - "Straight roads are for fast cars, but curvy roads are for fast drivers".

But this post is not about roads. Or cars. Or cars on curvy roads. This is my official outrage post on the obsession that the media and the fashion industry have with sticky thin women. Where are the curves? The biggest moneymaker tag line for ads these days is "Lose Weight". The corporations are arming us up with shoes, equipment, motivation and even yogurt to fight the fat. Now I am not losing sight of the obesity epidemic we have in this country. I realize that if I keep up my current eating and drinking habits, I will be part of it. But what is wrong with healthy, curvaceous figures? Why would someone lose their chiseled curves (and working hard at it, mind you) to achieve a straight line with no details attached to it? Aren't humans supposed to be the most evolved of all species? If so, I am sure the curves have evolved as evidence of nature's belief that these will indeed guarantee the survival of the human race. At this pace, the ramps of fashion shows may as well be built by cardboard in a couple of years.

When I turn on the news, the news anchor has her cheekbones  and collarbones protruding out of the TV, screaming for attention. So instead of thinking "what's up with the world?", I am thinking "why won't somebody feed this woman?". When I was on the verge of entering my teen years, I would sneak out to watch hollywood movies to watch the lovemaking scenes which were not present in Indian movies. Now that I can go to one these movies or rent it on my own free will (or to be more clear, whenever my wife lets me), I cannot tell the difference between the guy and the girl (To the couple of naughty readers, no, I wasn't watching "Brokeback Mountain").

The next time you walk around, pinch yourself whenever you see or hear "low fat" or "no fat" - I bet you cannot play that game long enough to get you through your day. There is a mad rush to get to size "zero", but sadly, when people reach that size, they look more like a "one". So all you models and movie stars wondering why your partner left you for a more "real" woman, there lies the real answer. (Ok, Ok I do realize that not many models or movie stars read my blog - but I am just sayin').

Yes, I like my car with a stick shift, my rice with gravy and my women, curvy. (I know it sounds too cheesy, but it rhymed so well I could not let go of it). I am married, so I am not on the lookout for more women - but you get the point. Really, I am not (Honey, you should be reading this). And I apologize to folks who saw a ray of hope.

So here's to hoping that curvy models will make a comeback and we will see more healthy people in our day to day life. The day is not far off - it is the same day we will be receiving Universal Health Care.( Ha Ha)

P.S - Take a look at this  - "Bald model opens Fashion Show". Now that they have got rid of the fat, they are coming after your hair. Run!

Lost, but not found.

Have you seen my new posts?

Neither have I. And I have been looking; trust me - Oh, I have been looking.

Nearly a couple of months back, I was on my merry way trying to add posts to my blog. Then it struck me - Aren't there enough blogs in the blogosphere already? What value am I going to add with my little scripts? There must be somebody else who sees the world the way I do and blogs about it. So I started looking. I began by subscribing to other blogs, then started reading what google suggested I would be interested in.(How do they know me so well? Its like we have been blood brothers.) There were some that matched my thinking.As I read through them in detail, I found myself disagreeing on a bunch of stuff and accumulating more thoughts in my brain (afterthoughts, to be precise). I could leave comments, but then the space wouldnt be enough and who knows if the author looks at them?

Right about 5 minutes ago, I gave up. Just because millions of people voted the way I did does not mean that I should not vote. I may not be entitled to to my own facts, but I am definitelty entitled to my own opinions. And with the marvel of today's technology, I can broadcast them from the comforts of my home (actually my small apartment is not that comfortable, but you get the point.) I apologize to all of you for flushing down all those posts down my brain instead of sharing it with a wider audience. I will try to suction out and salvage some of the important ones.

Meanwhile in the real world, the holiday season was anything but that. A whirlwind tour of Disneyland and Universal studios with 2 kids and 3 other families (9 kids in all) during the christmas weekend can never pass as a holiday trip, no matter what it is disguised as. No, I have not yet watched Avatar and 3 Idiots like the rest of world. I have seen so many idiots (if you must know - yes, including the ones in the mirror), so I figured, what's 3 more? As another year rolled by, I am glad I am this old - I don't worry that much about the down time of facebook or the number of friends on my internet social networking circles. I have real friends and they don't need to check their phones or their tweets to know where I am @. I guess I am lucky not to be in gen z(or gen me for that matter).

In closing, let me point out that I am not closing (shop, that is).

Image Courtesy : http://turntablephilanthropy.com

The mind wanders...

A "pretend intellectual" piece on how a most recent ad reflects the hangovers of the caste system in India never made it here.
There was this piece where I wanted to write about how life plays itself out for a man who has more than his equal share of hair on his body.
Then there was a scribble about how I was mistaken for a gay man one evening.
Afterthoughts on a successful stint of 14 days of Bikram yoga never made it out of my head onto here.

Point being - As with other things in life, my plans on writing more posts remain half done. If I put my mind to it, I could get it done, but then that would be compulsive blogging - why would I want push out literary posts into a platform where bloggers graze abound and theres a lot of other stuff for people to read?

And yet, the mind wanders, tirelessly churning out thoughts, what ifs and why can'ts. It seems as though that a less than perfect world serves as a perfect amusement park for questioning minds.

For what it's worth, at least you got a preview of what is to come in this space in the near future.